Let's Play Catch Up

I know, I know, I haven't posted since FEBRUARY. But trust me, I have good excuses. Let's spend a little time talking about what has happened over the last four months, shall we?


March-WE BOUGHT A HOUSE. Freaking exciting right?! We closed on our three bedroom, one and a half bath house on March 14 and life has been a whirlwind since. We are still ecstatic about it and it still feels weird to own a house. I haven't got to do a whole lot of personalizing yet, but it already feels just like home and it is so perfect for raisin our family in.


April- Jameson turned one! And I still can't believe it! He is officially a toddler and that scares the hell out of me. But I am so proud of my little man! He's such a smart, handsome, sweet, strong-willed little boy. We had a little party for him and my dad, who shares the same birthday, and it was an amazing day. I was expecting to have at least one break-down but I did good! Afterwards though I felt an overwhelming comfort of knowing all those people truly love my Jameson and I couldn't be more grateful for the people in his life. I couldn't ask for more.

Also April- We welcomed a new member to our family! Meet Miss Stella Bella Sauseda, the gorgeous black German shepherd given to Jameson for his birthday from his Paw Paw Chris for his birthday. She is something else.

I don't recall anything huge happening in May besides Mother's Day which I didn't get any pictures of (sigh) and Jeremy got a new job at Coca-Cola! Any who, now it's June and we've got Father's Day and a few birthdays coming up. I hope to keep plenty busy this summer and get a lot accomplished around this house. My to-do list is forever growing and I don't think I'll ever complete it. But at least I'm not bored! 

Loss

I've been planning on posting about his topic but I didn't think it would be so soon. I hope that I can help at least one person or make at least one person more aware of how to cope with the loss of an unborn child.

I'll start with my own story. If you saw me and my family together you may not imagine that there are two members missing. On August 5, 2012 my husband insisted I take a pregnancy test after I ate an entire Sonic meal by myself (my 95 pound self usually couldn't finish one). I took two tests, one positive, one negative. We later found out that the negative was because I drank a ridiculous amount of water after the first test so I could pee again and it diluted the HCG. Basically, I was pregnant. How weird for my first symptom to be increased appetite, right? My body was trying to prepare for way more than I realized.

Fast forward a month and I'm at the doctors office getting my first ultrasound. The tech was very quiet. Ten minutes later I'm thinking "does this normally take this long?" Another ten minutes and she was finally done. She went to the waiting room and got my mom and my best friend, LaiKyn who were there with me and we got to see the baby. It was amazing. That little jellybean in my stomach was moving! There was a life inside of me just doing his own thing. Chilling.

We went back to the waiting room and waited to talk to the doctor. When I was finally called back, the nurse bringing me to my room said "You're so little, how in the world are you going to carry twins?!" She must have gotten me confused with another patient. I just saw my baby. My ONE baby. I didn't say anything, just smiled. She'll figure it out.

Then I met my OB and his nurse practitioner. He sat down and said "I have good news and bad news." Shit. What does that mean? What he said next would change me forever. He told me that I was pregnant with twins, but that twin B lost its heartbeat at around seven weeks. He said twin A, Jameson, looked amazing, strong and had a good heartbeat. He explained that they call it "vanishing twin" and it's quite common. In my case it could be "nature's way of taking care of itself" because I am very small and it would be hard for my body to carry twins. Since I lost twin B so early I wouldn't need any procedure to remove him. He would just, vanish. This person, this potential life, would simply disappear.

I immediately broke down. Right there in the exam room. I felt silly because I didn't even know there was another baby, why would I be so upset to learn that I wouldn't have him? How could I be so distraught over something I was just told even existed? I felt silly. My doctor showed me the ultrasound pictures. The ones the tech had so cleverly hidden when showing us the baby. I don't blame her, it wasn't her news to tell. They showed twin A and his nice round amniotic sac, and twin B, so small in his shriveled, lifeless amniotic sac. He explained that over the weeks, his sac would get smaller and smaller until it wasn't visible anymore. Until then, he wanted to see me every other week to check on twin A's progress.

Leaving the hospital I felt confused and sad. I thought about how I should tell Jeremy the news. Then my sadness turned into anger. Anger towards that nurse that asked me how in the world I would carry twins. I won't carry twins, I can't carry twins. Does that answer your question? I hated her. Now I know that she didn't know and it wasn't her fault. But in that moment, I hated her.

I had to tell friends and family about what happened. I had to explain the terms "vanishing twin" and "nature taking care of itself". I just wanted to go to sleep and forget this was happening. I got responses like "I'm sorry" and "Is there anything I can do?" But one response that I got several times was "At least you have one healthy baby." This felt like a slap in the face, even though I know it was meant to make me feel better. But that's the thing. I didn't want to feel better. I didn't want to "get over it." I lost a child. They deserved to be remembered and grieved, not swept under the rug and forgotten. I didn't want to focus on my one healthy baby. He would be celebrated for the rest of his life. But this other baby wouldn't be thought of. I cried myself to sleep for several days until I couldn't cry anymore. Then I just sat awake thinking about all the experiences that I should have had with two babies but will only have with one. I felt guilty if I was focusing on twin A because I was forgetting about B. I felt guilty if I was focused on twin B because A needs me to prepare for their entrance to the world.

I blamed myself for a while. I blamed myself for cooking that one egg that had two yolks that I thought was some kind of omen. I blamed myself for that passing thought of "Omg what if it's twins?" I blamed myself for doing nothing about the cramps I felt weeks earlier that the internet assured me were "implantation pains" but were actually my baby dying. What if I had gone to the hospital? Could they have been saved?

Skip two weeks ahead to my second ultrasound. I was guardedly positive. I prepared myself for the worst. The ultrasound took about thirty minutes but I told myself that it was because I'm a complicated case and she just wanted to be thorough. We got to see our little bean again. He was perfect, bouncing all around. When I was called back this time, I was confident. We had just seen our baby and he looked great. Nothing could be wrong this time. But the doctor had more news for me. He told me that I had not lost one baby, but two. He showed me the pictures which showed two specks in the one amniotic sac. He explained that at the first ultrasound one was laying on top of the other, so we only saw one. They were mono-amniotic which rarely have a good outcome, especially considering there was a third baby. They often get wrapped in each other's cords and if they do make it they usually have complications. This brought a new meaning to "nature taking care of itself". It really was. The news brought more shock than sadness. I didn't cry. My doctor said that he had only seen one other case of spontaneous triplets (no fertility treatment).

I had a pretty uneventful pregnancy up until my third trimester. My stubborn boy refused to turn face-down. I had his little head wedged under my ribs until the day he was born. Believe it or not, it was extremely uncomfortable. We tried to get him to turn because I didn't want a C-section. I tried laying with my hips elevated above my head (also not comfortable) and putting a bag of frozen peas to make HIM uncomfortable. Nothing worked. He was where he wanted to be and he was not moving. Then we found out I had toxemia, or preeclampsia. Hello, bed rest. As soon as I was full term we had a C-section. I'll have to save those details for another post.

After Jameson was here I began grieving again. I felt deprived of something I was meant to have.  Why didn't I get to have all my babies? Why would my body let me conceive them if I couldn't keep them? These are thoughts and feelings I still deal with on a regular basis. I'm getting better, but I still have those days where I really wish I could meet them. Would they like vegetables as much as Jameson does? Would they be shy like him? Would they have blonde hair like him, or black like their papa? I know I will meet them one day, but until then I think about what life would be like, how different it would be.    
  And here we are, ten and a half months later. Jameson is the coolest kid. I don't feel like anything is missing from my life, but I like to stop and think at different times throughout the day and imagine what we would all be doing. How I would have three high chairs lined up, and three cribs side by side. I think about it with fondness, not sorrow. God planned everything out for us. I may not know why, but I have to remember to have faith that he knows exactly what he's doing.

There is nothing you can do or say to someone who has miscarried to make them feel better. And chances are, they don't want to feel better, not right away. They want to grieve and they want you to grieve with them. Don't try to say "the right thing". Don't say anything. They need to feel like they're not the only one who realizes this was a person, not a failed attempt.

Tiny Dancer

I may be a little biased, but I think I've got the most amazing baby in the world. Lately he's started dancing. And I mean he will dance to anything. Cartoon theme songs, commercials, clapping, he even danced to popcorn popping in the microwave. The most amazing part is no one taught him this. He started doing it all by himself which tells me he's got serious rhythm. I see dance classes in our future.

Nothing makes me prouder than seeing my son's passion for music. He gets a full dose of all kinds of genres from hip hop and pop with his papa, to blues and rock with me, to 80's with his maw maw. Music has always been important to me. It is a getaway from all the other noise in my life. I hope Jameson grows to find comfort in music, too.

Sneaux Day

Friday, we had a snow day here in central Louisiana. Snow is extremely rare here (our last snow day was three years ago). Jeremy didn't have to go in to work until 11, so we got to play together in the snow!
There's something about a layer of snow. It makes everything look like a painting. Lewis had a blast licking the snow everywhere he went. It didn't take long for him to want to get back in the warm house, though.

  We bundled J up in so many layers and walked to the pond. He is a little too young to care about snow and he didn't enjoy it as much as the rest of us. I do wish we lived somewhere that got more snow. But being a very cold-natured person and having Raynaud's, I don't last long out there before my hands are screaming for more blood.
  And, of course, you have to follow up ten minutes in the snow with a good hour-long nap with Daniel Tiger. (I have to admit, I was worn out too.) Of course, no one here is equipped for snow and we're all a bit scared of it, so the kids were out of school and a lot of businesses were closed. By Saturday afternoon all the snow was gone and replaced by nasty mud. (We KNOW what to do with mud! Just ask my husband who spent the whole day mud riding.) But we sure enjoyed it while it was here. Come more often, sneaux!

It's just these simple things

February 2008- Once upon a time there was a girl named Erin and a boy named Jeremy. They met at a high school basketball game, he got her number and the rest is history.

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May 2010- They graduated together and Jeremy decided he wanted to be with Erin for the rest of his life.

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April 2012- The wedding was beautiful and they were more in love than ever.

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August 2012- They found out that their family was going to grow!

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April 2013- Welcome to the world, Jameson Maddox. You are the most loved little boy ever.

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So, here we are. Nine months later. 

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After daydreaming about starting a blog for a few years now, I've decided to give it a whirl. My main focus for this blog is to document my family in a more creative way than a diary or a photo album. I want to record my family's experiences in a way that can be shared with my son when he is older. There is no doubt in my mind that it will be somewhat random, but, hey so is life.